24
Sep

Well, It’s not dead Jim! but I’m a blogger not a programmer!

Looks like we’re back up and running. Minus some photos that I don’t mind not ever seeing again.

 

Today’s a rough one.  Brace yourself. This will probably get a MUCH longer post later.

 

J

30
Apr

Diamonds

I’m not the kind of girl you give diamonds to
I’m never going to wear grandma’s pearls
I’m not the one you bring home to mother
I’m the one you use and discard.

I’ll never be decorated in rubies
nor garnets as deep as blood
I’ll never be that type of girl
for you or anyone.

It’s not that I don’t want diamonds
It’s not that I wouldn’t wear pearls
Rubies and Garnets though tempting
Are not what I’m left with when you’re gone

(rewritten, apparently, 4-29-16)

the first two lines were written in 1993 after I bought my own engagement ring, a diamond so small it was damn near a chip, because I knew Jerry wouldn’t get one and I still (and do, oddly) care about announcing my relationship status publicly in some way, (claim me on FB, on Fetlife, the occasional mention or silly gesture and flowers, good lord am I stupid weak for flowers.tulips in particular, though not my birth ones, Gladiolus as I’m HIGHLY allergic to them)  I bought it as I was around people who’d ask about the wedding and then stare and my left hand and felt ashamed.

Also I blame Alicia for this. it’s ALLL her fault.

25
Apr

HA and you thought I was done. *evil grin* oh god, trauma inside, please don’t read if you don’t want the TMI or it’s going to freak you out.

These won’t be too long, and relate back to topics I meant to cover in the last post but at 2000+ maybe 3000+ words, I decided to make it two posts, so I’m twice as likely to have them get lost in the spam of social media.  *also it is 11:33 pm for me and I will probably leave out words and misspell things and go screw it, I’m sleepy, I’ll fix it tomorrow and go to sleep.

Today on facebook, which I mostly scan as I’m sorta over most memes and politics at this point (I still get fired up, but I think my Sanders vote won’t make a difference. I think it’s been rigged for Hillary from the start. Now if Trump wins, first I will fall into laughing hysterics, until I’m blue in the face, then pack up and make a bee-line from here to anywhere else before the tidal wave of massive screw up starts.  Trump, not the president we want, but the one the world (and apparently A LOT) of our country thinks we deserve.  He is the walking embodiment of all things other cultures hate about America and Americans. It doesn’t matter that a good 85 to 90% of us are nothing at all like that, that’s the image that at some point (I think the excesses of the 80’s Reagan era tbh) we gave to the world to represent us, and Gods help us all never updated. We’re that one guy, still using myspace and have no clue how to change our profile photo, so it’s still Tom. (who is also his only friend) (also can people even use MySpace now? Do they? Would they? Cause I don’t miss glittery bling things on pages at all)  Now he justs has to pick a Kardashian or Paris Hilton as a running mate and the circle will close and armageddon begin.  (sorry I have circular brain logic, it runs on multiple tracks and I tend to tangent off quite a bit as one track over takes the next.)

Ok now where was I.  Oh I remember!

So today we get a lesson on the Spoon Theory, which if you haven’t read, you should.  And my thoughts on trauma survival and the fun of living with PTSD and how it’s symptoms change, shift and are sometimes ignored or called pity or attention seeking.  and this stupid bill HB2 that’s absolutely frightening and I’m not even Transexual. But people I care about ARE and that’s what matters.  Both of these are embedded from my FB today.  so bear with my errors and such.

WHAT THE EVERLOVIN FUCK NORTH CAROLINA?

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25
Apr

Even sane people get hit with mental tornados, remember that, it may apply to you one day. This is a LONG DAMN POST.

That’s such a catchy title up there, I’m SURE it will gather me 1000s of fans and followers! *gigglesnorts*

I ran out of the drug that’s kept my fibro in check, so I’ve been in excruciating levels of pain for a week.  I take Savella, and even with insurance it’s expensive, things have been and still are a bit tight moneywise around here so I was rationing the damn things because I KNEW we couldn’t afford the refill last week. You’ll see why in a moment. Now, if you have Fibromyalgia and have tried Cymbalta (ick) to Neurontin (oh god weight gain and nausea) or Lyrica (oh look I’m not fat I’m just an aching hot air balloon. whee!) and have not, like myself found any relief from those drugs and we all know narcotics don’t help, most of us had doctors prescribe them, take them and mostly you’re just woozy and in pain or passed out, unaware and in pain that hurts worse when you wake up. (I am probably the only patient one of my doctors offered oxy to that turned it down, no thanks, I’m loopy enough as it is.)  I HIGHLY recommend asking about Savella I go from 50 mg x2 a day to 100 mg x2 a day soon and I’m terrified to know, with the 60 pills of 50mgs being almost 83.00 a month (thank the gods for insurance and reaching deductible because before that, it was 300 a month) I’m scared to call my pharmacy and have them check for me. Although I’m doing so now, *waits* might as well know if I can afford it or if I’m going to have to ship the script off to canada where it’s cheaper and they’d give me all 30 of my Ambien, instead of 15, because the FDA is meddling in things it should just leave alone.  Oh that poor girl at the pharmacy just now, she was very nice and also very confused and then very annoyed because my insurance wouldn’t let her estimate the price on the 100 mg  x2 a day change coming up. She had no idea, if it’s sold by mg price it’ll probably double, if it’s sold by number of pills, it will stay the same.

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18
Apr

Oh for the love of Assassins Creed…..Ubisoft, Business Models and Morons

So somehow my post on the reaction to players using a beta reported, unfixed exploit to kill a boss. That punishing your player base is a BAD IDEA business wise. A post I wrote thinking it would be seen and read by maybe 10-20 people at the most because I’m not JUST a gaming blogger, I also blog about my life and as I’m just an internet nobody, not even Twitch or YouTube Famous, literally yesterday morning, no one outside of my circle of friends and family knew who I was, or cared what I wrote.  Then this happened. Somehow, my  tiny post hit the Trending tab on Facebook under the hashtag about Ubisoft punishing players who used an exploit to kill a boss and how I think that’s a bad business plan.  More of the drama llama below!

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7
Apr

A message for all of you, who love all of us who’ve been traumatized

anxiety

This blurry (unless you click on it) cartoon above is a very real thing, and when you love someone with depression and/or anxiety issues, there are things you need to understand that we can’t communicate to you without breaking down, so I’m gonna do it here, not just for me but for all my friends who are like me or who love someone like me. Please read and pay attention. Okay?
 
When you don’t communicate with us,when you plant seeds of doubt as to your loyalty and fidelity, when you leave us out of things, when you accidentally (or on purpose) don’t defend us whether we were right or wrong, when you say you’ll call and you don’t, When you don’t listen to us or tell us how you already know all our fears,when you hide things and act defensive and/or cruel when we ask why, When, you can’t be bothered to show interest in the things we love to do, this breaks us. All of these cause a reaction even when nothing is /actually/ wrong. The anxiety and depression and the self blame kick in.
 
If you have a loved one who has either of these (I do and I am one) please try to tell the truth, secrets kill love and friendships, keep your promises even the ones you didn’t like making, Reassure us that we’ve nothing to fear and then prove it by acting on your words, understand our curiosity isn’t prying just a desire to be more involved because involved makes us feel safe and connected to you, be on our side, even if you disagree and think we are wrong because. people like us, we will ALWAYS do that for you, it’s our nature, Actively listen, even if you’ve heard it 1000 times, Share a hobby with us and let us share one with you. Connect with us, ask questions about our day, let us do more than sorta float ethereally around your world, bring us in, wrap us in your arms, no matter if you’re a friend or lover or both and make us feel safe, because we rarely do.
Don’t go on the defensive when asked simple questions, because we will react with panic and fear and may not be able to control that response, while a voice inside goes “what is he/she hiding from me, why are they hiding it, did I do something wrong, should I leave him/her so they don’t have to hide, do they want me to leave? followed quickly by “I don’t understand” and then tears follow, that we can’t explain because anxiety and depression come with codependency in many levels and in ways we may not ever be able to tell you about or explain. Though they all come with sadness and fear. Most of us come to you with huge abandonment fears and fear of rejection and those moments when you act as described above leaves us feeling ALL these things and a little bit alone and that is so scary.
 
If you love someone like this, like me, like probably many more people than you realize, because we are like all the things above understand we need extra care and extra attention, that we are strong and weak at the same time and please please please do all you can to assuage those doubt and fear causing things to us. Okay?
 
We know you’re not perfect and you will, like everyone have good days and bad, that you’ll slip from time to time, nor do we expect perfection, we just want to feel loved and safe and to give the same back to you.
 
love,
from all of us hiding in our corners, cages, under the bed or blankets, just waiting for you to reach out and take our hands.
20
Mar

OH GOD I ATE COOKIES (aka fuck you progesterone) Also Julia is bored.

So if any of you follow this or read it or something, you know I’ve had issues with a non-stop period for like 6 months.  Finally got to see a really nice, really good OBGYN last week and he looked and went “how have you lived with this for so long”  I laughed and told him that today was a LIGHT day, he made a reference to the elevator doors and blood scene in the shining on a heavy day then and I just sorta confirmed and tried not to squirm too much, cause you know casual convo during an OBGYN visit is a bit awkward.  The video behind the cut is not for the squeamish or anyone who hasn’t seen the Kubrick version of the Shining. Yes, I know, it’s deceptive, with a cute little kid with 70’s bowl cut hair and all, but trust me. Don’t click if blood freaks you out, even fake karo syrup blood or Fruit Punch Kool Aid attacking miniature furniture. (Which is the best use for that flavor of Kool Aid, ick!)
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22
Feb

Liquid Potassium is NOT GOOD to drink! Warframe is Fun! I’m still Mad at People! (and other stuff)

I lie here trying to sleep and I can’t which normally leads to really REALLY long rambly blogs (I’m sorry?)  Tonight is a general update and some shit laying heavy on my heart so I’m going to try to get it all out and see if I can sleep.  This, this is my mood right now. *sigh*

 

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10
Feb

Hey PTSD, please don’t take the best from me.

12507300_10153841440897629_6876698676609054126_nYou know, I don’t remember when I had my first anxiety attack.  I actually cannot remember a life without it. I know the first one to ‘cripple’ me was in high school and it was starting a new school halfway through the 10th grade.  I stood at the top of the stairs heading out from the offices and just looked at the empty campus of Myer’s Park High School (everyone was in class) and was petrified.  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe.  I don’t know what I was scared of, but I was freaking terrified.  Eventually I did make it down those stairs and into class and it didn’t take long for the Julia Polarizing Effect to take place (if you KNOW me, REALLY KNOW ME) you either love me or hate me, there is no middle ground.  I know I had them all the time as a child but I didn’t freeze up. I talked. Oh by the gods did I talk.  sometimes to quiet the voices in my head, sometimes to quiet the voices around me, and if I could be cute, if I could entertain, maybe for a brief moment I’d have a respite from well, the bizarre surrealist movie that has been most of my life. (it’s almost a horror movie yet so slow-paced that it’s the most. boring. movie. ever.)  The next one to cause me to lock up was right after Alyssa was born and Bush announced the opening of the Iraqi war.  I grew up on the tail end of the nuclear age and all I could see watching that was the life this small, beautiful and totally dependant on me to keep her safe child wasn’t going to have. It didn’t matter that the cold war was over, when you’re raised with that fear your brain immediately equates the word War with Nuclear devastation.  I’d love to say there were no more after that but there were, I just learned how to hide them well. To quote the late great Smokey Robinson:

People say I’m the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I’m blue
So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile looks out-of-place
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
(though I learned this listening to Linda Ronstadt sing it)

This was going to be a totally different kind of post, and parts of it will segue into things that make no sense to some of you. As I really do have a game to talk about. I’ve enjoyed it a lot and it deserves its own place here.

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25
Jan

The WhatIf’s aka Julia’s obsession with Shel Silverstein

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I’m dumb in school?
Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there’s poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don’t grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won’t bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

 

This is obviously not my poem.  MANY of you will know that upon reading just the title. Those who haven’t read his work, CLICK THE LINK! (Hint, it’s his name at the bottom) or go buy the books, read them to your kids, your friends, your pets, anyone who will hold still long enough. It’s worth it. I promise.