Weight Loss, Julia and History This is gonna be a REALLY personal post. Be Nice.

Potentially Triggering for Abuse survivors of every flavor, click the read more below at your own risk. You read it, You Triggered you, not me.

Allan, love, you can just skip it for the fact that my formatting is god awful for reasons and it will make you crazy.

I have, over the past two years, btw, begun to hate both the word Triggered and pretty much all 3rd Wave Feminism but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother post. so let’s move on shall we? (feel free to stop here and de-friend me if we’re friends anywhere and that gets your panties in a twist)

So a lot of you have known me a very long time.  Long enough to hear my history, the sexual abuse that started at 2 and didn’t stop til I was 13, by three different people, people who never believed me when I tried to reach out for help (Uncle, Grandfather, Great Grandfather (Assisted by grandfather). One is alive still and can stay so fucking far away from me that I won’t have anything to do with ‘that’ side of the family. (though they were never really related to me due to their mother never legally marrying my grandfather, thank the gods.) The now 6 counts of rape as an adult that after a while you just stop telling people about because you DO believe it’s your fault after a while.  The exposure to drugs that could have killed me at an age when I should have been exposed to nothing more dangerous than holding my mom’s hand when I cross the street.  The physical and emotional abuse from not only my parents but my grandparents on both sides.

Thus reads The Strange Tale of Woe That is Julia’s Life.  The kind of things that makes you pretty sure not only do you have a giant neon sign that only predators can see but also causes you to cringe away from any hand-held out to you because in the past that hand up was always followed by a blow so staggering it broke bones or something worse, it breaks your heart.

 

Ok enough of that.  I’m in therapy to deal with ALL of this and sometimes it’s working and sometimes I feel like I just circled back around to square one.

 

Some of you knew me in high school when I was skinny as fuck all and thought I was fat (did you know that btw? Jenni, Leslie and Leslie? I thought I was huge)

Some of you knew me later in life, pre-Alyssa and for the first year post Alyssa where I was so skinny it was unhealthy (Being pregnant with Alyssa actually made me thinner than pre-pregnancy) and y’all were there when my body slapped me down with the weight I’ve never really managed to shake free of.  I came close,  from 2002 to 2004ish then my ex decided to snort my Adipex and I told my doctor to stop prescribing it because I couldn’t hide it well enough from him.

Some of you met me after/during the  MO-CA-WA-OR-WA ordeal (rofl that’s a strange story on its own and also another post later.) and got to see me drop under 300lbs then gain it + some  back when I moved.

I know how I get/got fat.  It’s simple math. Calories in vs Calories used.  There are also psychological reasons for it too.  I used my weight as armor against a demon who really only existed in my mind anymore.  When I was 4, Uncle Molesty once looked at two easily 500lb women in spandex shorts, sitting across 3 chairs each at a Godfather’s Pizza (y’all know the type if you grew up south of Maryland.) and expressed so much revulsion at the idea of ever sexually touching a fat woman/girl that it made him ill to think of it and by god if somewhere in my little brain something kicked on and I began to gain weight.  The fatter I was the less the predators would want me, right?

Yeah… no. This plan, well in the end it only hurt me.

(5 year olds don’t make good plans btw)

Believe it or not, under this line break is where it gets personal, seriously. I can recount the horrors of my childhood in almost a flat monotone even to this day, talking about how the me in the mirror doesn’t match up to the me in my head though, that shit is scary to face.

The heaviest I’ve KNOWN I’ve weighed was 388lbs, and that was in March 2015.

(that I am including photos of myself in here says A LOT, as I hate having my photo taken.)

(This one shows you exactly how I feel about cameras)

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 I’ve probably been heavier. I avoided scales and mirrors except for my face as I’ve Irish Face #14 and so do my daughters, (sorry girls you’re doomed to round cheeks and people telling you that you haven’t aged in years) so seeing it fat was never an issue for me, I just ignored my neck and put make up on and got on with my day.   I think in Seattle when we went to the arts fair and I got my “Queen” wine glass I was probably over 400 but I’ll never know as I never weighed myself back then and if I had I know how to cheat a scale with foot placement and even just a hand on a counter to take some of it off the scale. I wouldn’t have been honest about it, so it’s a moot point.

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This was at the Art Fest. I’m leaning on Julia Stone.  I’m pretty sure I was in the 400lb range here but it could also be the REALLY BAD ANGLE it was taken at SUZANNE

At some point after this, Suzanne and I decided to move across country and that too is it’s own blog post (or two) in a 700.00 Van with 2 cats and a ball python, in the middle of December. Don’t do this, seriously, don’t.  Some how, between the above shot and the move to Florida I shrunk again.  The following are all shots of my somewhere between 276 and 316lbs  and I’ll label where I was at the time I took the photo with some flavor text to clarify, the description is UNDER the photo.

The Nathan Era

2008 to 2010

All of these were taken in WA as I’m too lazy to charge the phone with the CA ones on it.

Artsy Julia shot By The Nose
Nathan took this, it wasn’t til recently I stopped hating it. I think I had to stop hating myself first.

 

Goff Julia
GOFF JULIA! When you make your own cosmetics, you model your own stuff cause no one knows who the hell you are to model for you. (god I miss my hair 🙁 )

 

Princess Face Julia
If this isn’t the mom look but with 5 year old braids I don’t know what is. Also I love that teal and need to make more. and oh god I miss my hair 🙁 I just recently cut it all off.)

The Nathan Period was one of the best and worst periods of my life.

  These were all taken in the middle of the worst part.

I don’t have on blush btw, this was before I gave a fuck about covering up the Butterfly Rash Lupus causes.

Moving on.

The Kris has Lost Her Mind Period

(AKA Julia stopped crying and got angry)

2010

there's a god damn phone IN the shot Julia, stop that.
Dark Brown Hair?!? WHAT? Also the first time UNDER 300 in years. 285 lbs here. Cheekbones? WTF?
Also.. bangs, please pretend you don’t see those..

 

Have you seen Nemo?
This is what happens when a 5 year old pinches your ass as she walks by AS your being asked to take a fishy face photo for the 7 year old. I think they were in Cahoots. This was around 250ish, and the lowest I’d been in years. (yes this is only in here because Theresa adores this photo)

The Kris period didn’t last long and onward to Washington we go.

You’ve seen the one and only WA 2011 photo I have and will show, scroll up, it’s there.

Dia & Flippy’s Epic Road Trip and settling in to FL

2011

(aka Dia and Flippy get stuck in AZ

and have to call parents for help)

Somehow on this move I lost weight, I don’t know how.

Stress.

Rednecks and Stress.

Yes it's awesome, yes people randomly touched my hair, that was creepy.
RAINBOW BRIGHT HAIR.
I loved this, I’d do it again one day, no I don’t care I should be a grown up. No idea how much I weigh but see that cheek hollow, that not cause I’ve got my mouth like that, that’s an under 250 face change, one of the few that occur.

 

pink pink pink pink!
This was after I got bored with the rainbow and bleached it. I also love this look and will probably do it again. The purple and teal went away fast, that magenta pink though, nope, it was gonna cling. You can start to see the weight coming back on as lack of treatment for fibro/lupus made me more immobile.

The rest of them, because for fuck sake this is a long fucking post.

2011 to almost current

Tallahassee Fl.

2 story apartment, death stairs, not so good for people with mobility issues.

I blew up like an angry puffer fish.

I don't look bad blond though
This was right after meeting Allan in SL, but not in person and post the Rick disaster. I get upset, I do shit to my hair. IDKY

 

Blurry doesn't make you look skinnier
My 41st birthday. Allan was actually in the other room, waiting for me to come to bed. Me, I’m taking selfies, wtf Julia. He flew half way around the world to be with you, get out of the bathroom, vain bitch.

 

omg she came OUT of the bathroom, why's her makeup still on
In bed, Birthday night. Stupidly happy. Also probably about 300 to 280ish (going by how my jeans from then fit, I’m leaning towards 280ish, I could walk out of them. Allan thought this was funny going up stairs.

 

Last year sometime.

 The Ninja Theresa Photos.

mmmm Japanese food and booze
I’m to lazy to caption all these.
srsly. Orange Shirt is Suzy btw 😀

 

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This was while Resa was visiting and I’m pretty sure this is my 388 photo if there ever was one.  Keep in mind, bad lighting, bad skin *thanks lupus* and well, a semi smile.  The Drink umbrella make both these shots.

I’ve taken two photos and a video since I started actively trying to lose weight.

2015 apartment hunting

These I was down at least 30ish pounds from a Ketogenic Diet, which honestly works but I begin to hate it after about a month.

Seriously people get over it, bacon is not that damn good.

not when it seems like it’s all you eat anyway.

So we’ll call both of these the 350ish stage

no make up, lots of mylar rash
Post first day, in the swanky hotel, no make up #Iwokeuplikethis #actuallyIwenttobedlikethis #Ihatehashtags

 

I have fucking layers OK?
Day OF the hunt, I haz can puts on make up. I also remembered that green corrects red and there are some layers going on here, like an onion but prettier.

There are no current photos of me that I’d let stay online. My hair is unruly. When it’s short I look like a whole herd of cows licked my fucking head.   BUT! My current weight is 295 on a good day, 300 on a bloated, why was I born a girl again day.  So go team me!

honestly, it’s the medications, I’m queasy, so I don’t wanna eat.  staying under 1000-800 calories a day while being mostly a lump in a bed means weight loss. is it healthy? My doctors know and aren’t panicing yet, so I guess so.  I wanna give up soda and drop another 10-20 in water weight and maybe go on a short period where fruit and veggies are all I eat.  Keto sorta burned me out on all meat but steak and demanding steak every night is too much even for Princess Julia

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Therapy is helping.  IDK if she’ll ever see this but ILU Denise for everything you’ve done so far and all that you continue to do when you’re own world is falling apart.  I’m not ready to stop going, but it’s helping a lot.

Most of the weight loss is probably the lack of calories.

Denise and I see it as a shedding of armor.

I don’t need that shit anymore.

cause really,

I’m a motherfucking Queen and I’ve got this.

<3 J

4 thoughts on “Weight Loss, Julia and History This is gonna be a REALLY personal post. Be Nice.

  1. In no particular order, but numbered so I can make sure I get in everything that I’m thinking:
    1) YAY butt-pinched-fish-face
    2) Ninja photographer is ninja….and the drink umbrellas in the hairs were to good to resist
    3) I loves you and you will kick all the ass and continue to have “this”
    4) I’m so glad that the therapy is helping, and I love your therapist for helping you; because, while I’m a good ear to bend, I don’t have the training to help even though I wish I could.

    I know there’s more that I’d like to say, but it all boils down to I love you, you’re beautiful, and you will get through all of this and be stronger than ever.

    1. I love you too Resa-face. We don’t talk enough anymore but half the time that’s cause I’m freakin asleep. Like right now, Allan just poked me on skype, but if he waits 20-30 min I’ll be asleep again and I went to bed at 11:30 pm damn it.

  2. I’m also a sexual abuse survivor and an autoimmune warrior with lupus, scleroderma, and polymyositis. I appreciate your courage, resilience, and the obvious love for life that you’ve managed to retain. I can’t imagine stripping myself bare with words the way you have done because words are my armor, and I’m just not ready to give them up yet. You seem to have had so much upheaval coupled with what look like wonderful adventures with loving friends!

    Fwiw, the fish face pic is my favorite!

    Peace and healing,
    Shannon

    1. It’s one of my favorites too, I was also at the smallest I’d been in years, probably in the 230s I do miss my long hair though it’s my own fault that I had to cut it. There’s only so much bleach one head can take. I think that the best way to deal with the horrors life throws at us sometimes is to smile in it’s face and walk away. Can I say it’s never broken me, oh no, it has, but I can tell you that each time the universe knocks me down, I stand up and yell at the sky “Is that all you got?” and limp away. Words are armor, for me it was weight, hiding behind the fat wasn’t helping me, so it’s time to let it go. FWIW I think sexual, mental and physical abuse tend to speed up if not initially trigger autoimmune illnesses.

      Peace and healing right back at you!

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