Potentially Triggering for Abuse survivors of every flavor, click the read more below at your own risk. You read it, You Triggered you, not me.
Allan, love, you can just skip it for the fact that my formatting is god awful for reasons and it will make you crazy.
I have, over the past two years, btw, begun to hate both the word Triggered and pretty much all 3rd Wave Feminism but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother post. so let’s move on shall we? (feel free to stop here and de-friend me if we’re friends anywhere and that gets your panties in a twist)
So a lot of you have known me a very long time. Long enough to hear my history, the sexual abuse that started at 2 and didn’t stop til I was 13, by three different people, people who never believed me when I tried to reach out for help (Uncle, Grandfather, Great Grandfather (Assisted by grandfather). One is alive still and can stay so fucking far away from me that I won’t have anything to do with ‘that’ side of the family. (though they were never really related to me due to their mother never legally marrying my grandfather, thank the gods.) The now 6 counts of rape as an adult that after a while you just stop telling people about because you DO believe it’s your fault after a while. The exposure to drugs that could have killed me at an age when I should have been exposed to nothing more dangerous than holding my mom’s hand when I cross the street. The physical and emotional abuse from not only my parents but my grandparents on both sides.
Thus reads The Strange Tale of Woe That is Julia’s Life. The kind of things that makes you pretty sure not only do you have a giant neon sign that only predators can see but also causes you to cringe away from any hand-held out to you because in the past that hand up was always followed by a blow so staggering it broke bones or something worse, it breaks your heart.
Ok enough of that. I’m in therapy to deal with ALL of this and sometimes it’s working and sometimes I feel like I just circled back around to square one.
Some of you knew me in high school when I was skinny as fuck all and thought I was fat (did you know that btw? Jenni, Leslie and Leslie? I thought I was huge)
Some of you knew me later in life, pre-Alyssa and for the first year post Alyssa where I was so skinny it was unhealthy (Being pregnant with Alyssa actually made me thinner than pre-pregnancy) and y’all were there when my body slapped me down with the weight I’ve never really managed to shake free of. I came close, from 2002 to 2004ish then my ex decided to snort my Adipex and I told my doctor to stop prescribing it because I couldn’t hide it well enough from him.
Some of you met me after/during the MO-CA-WA-OR-WA ordeal (rofl that’s a strange story on its own and also another post later.) and got to see me drop under 300lbs then gain it + some back when I moved.
I know how I get/got fat. It’s simple math. Calories in vs Calories used. There are also psychological reasons for it too. I used my weight as armor against a demon who really only existed in my mind anymore. When I was 4, Uncle Molesty once looked at two easily 500lb women in spandex shorts, sitting across 3 chairs each at a Godfather’s Pizza (y’all know the type if you grew up south of Maryland.) and expressed so much revulsion at the idea of ever sexually touching a fat woman/girl that it made him ill to think of it and by god if somewhere in my little brain something kicked on and I began to gain weight. The fatter I was the less the predators would want me, right?
Yeah… no. This plan, well in the end it only hurt me.
(5 year olds don’t make good plans btw)
Believe it or not, under this line break is where it gets personal, seriously. I can recount the horrors of my childhood in almost a flat monotone even to this day, talking about how the me in the mirror doesn’t match up to the me in my head though, that shit is scary to face.
The heaviest I’ve KNOWN I’ve weighed was 388lbs, and that was in March 2015.
(that I am including photos of myself in here says A LOT, as I hate having my photo taken.)
(This one shows you exactly how I feel about cameras)
I’ve probably been heavier. I avoided scales and mirrors except for my face as I’ve Irish Face #14 and so do my daughters, (sorry girls you’re doomed to round cheeks and people telling you that you haven’t aged in years) so seeing it fat was never an issue for me, I just ignored my neck and put make up on and got on with my day. I think in Seattle when we went to the arts fair and I got my “Queen” wine glass I was probably over 400 but I’ll never know as I never weighed myself back then and if I had I know how to cheat a scale with foot placement and even just a hand on a counter to take some of it off the scale. I wouldn’t have been honest about it, so it’s a moot point.
This was at the Art Fest. I’m leaning on Julia Stone. I’m pretty sure I was in the 400lb range here but it could also be the REALLY BAD ANGLE it was taken at SUZANNE
At some point after this, Suzanne and I decided to move across country and that too is it’s own blog post (or two) in a 700.00 Van with 2 cats and a ball python, in the middle of December. Don’t do this, seriously, don’t. Some how, between the above shot and the move to Florida I shrunk again. The following are all shots of my somewhere between 276 and 316lbs and I’ll label where I was at the time I took the photo with some flavor text to clarify, the description is UNDER the photo.
The Nathan Era
2008 to 2010
All of these were taken in WA as I’m too lazy to charge the phone with the CA ones on it.
The Nathan Period was one of the best and worst periods of my life.
These were all taken in the middle of the worst part.
I don’t have on blush btw, this was before I gave a fuck about covering up the Butterfly Rash Lupus causes.
The Kris has Lost Her Mind Period
(AKA Julia stopped crying and got angry)
The Kris period didn’t last long and onward to Washington we go.
You’ve seen the one and only WA 2011 photo I have and will show, scroll up, it’s there.
Dia & Flippy’s Epic Road Trip and settling in to FL
(aka Dia and Flippy get stuck in AZ
and have to call parents for help)
Somehow on this move I lost weight, I don’t know how.
Rednecks and Stress.
The rest of them, because for fuck sake this is a long fucking post.
2011 to almost current
2 story apartment, death stairs, not so good for people with mobility issues.
I blew up like an angry puffer fish.
Last year sometime.
The Ninja Theresa Photos.
This was while Resa was visiting and I’m pretty sure this is my 388 photo if there ever was one. Keep in mind, bad lighting, bad skin *thanks lupus* and well, a semi smile. The Drink umbrella make both these shots.
I’ve taken two photos and a video since I started actively trying to lose weight.
2015 apartment hunting
These I was down at least 30ish pounds from a Ketogenic Diet, which honestly works but I begin to hate it after about a month.
Seriously people get over it, bacon is not that damn good.
not when it seems like it’s all you eat anyway.
So we’ll call both of these the 350ish stage
There are no current photos of me that I’d let stay online. My hair is unruly. When it’s short I look like a whole herd of cows licked my fucking head. BUT! My current weight is 295 on a good day, 300 on a bloated, why was I born a girl again day. So go team me!
honestly, it’s the medications, I’m queasy, so I don’t wanna eat. staying under 1000-800 calories a day while being mostly a lump in a bed means weight loss. is it healthy? My doctors know and aren’t panicing yet, so I guess so. I wanna give up soda and drop another 10-20 in water weight and maybe go on a short period where fruit and veggies are all I eat. Keto sorta burned me out on all meat but steak and demanding steak every night is too much even for Princess Julia
Therapy is helping. IDK if she’ll ever see this but ILU Denise for everything you’ve done so far and all that you continue to do when you’re own world is falling apart. I’m not ready to stop going, but it’s helping a lot.
Most of the weight loss is probably the lack of calories.
Denise and I see it as a shedding of armor.
I don’t need that shit anymore.
I’m a motherfucking Queen and I’ve got this.