You know, I don’t remember when I had my first anxiety attack. I actually cannot remember a life without it. I know the first one to ‘cripple’ me was in high school and it was starting a new school halfway through the 10th grade. I stood at the top of the stairs heading out from the offices and just looked at the empty campus of Myer’s Park High School (everyone was in class) and was petrified. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know what I was scared of, but I was freaking terrified. Eventually I did make it down those stairs and into class and it didn’t take long for the Julia Polarizing Effect to take place (if you KNOW me, REALLY KNOW ME) you either love me or hate me, there is no middle ground. I know I had them all the time as a child but I didn’t freeze up. I talked. Oh by the gods did I talk. sometimes to quiet the voices in my head, sometimes to quiet the voices around me, and if I could be cute, if I could entertain, maybe for a brief moment I’d have a respite from well, the bizarre surrealist movie that has been most of my life. (it’s almost a horror movie yet so slow-paced that it’s the most. boring. movie. ever.) The next one to cause me to lock up was right after Alyssa was born and Bush announced the opening of the Iraqi war. I grew up on the tail end of the nuclear age and all I could see watching that was the life this small, beautiful and totally dependant on me to keep her safe child wasn’t going to have. It didn’t matter that the cold war was over, when you’re raised with that fear your brain immediately equates the word War with Nuclear devastation. I’d love to say there were no more after that but there were, I just learned how to hide them well. To quote the late great Smokey Robinson:
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I’m blue
So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile looks out-of-place
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
This was going to be a totally different kind of post, and parts of it will segue into things that make no sense to some of you. As I really do have a game to talk about. I’ve enjoyed it a lot and it deserves its own place here.
This is, what I feel like loving me, even being friends with me is like. I forget social commitments on-line and have to make myself leave the house even to go to therapy, which I actually enjoy even when it tires me out. I’ve been told by a friend recently (who’s honestly more fucked up than I am and will recognize herself in this I suspect) that I’m exhausting, tedious, repetitive and that listening to me ride out a panic attack has gotten so boring for her that she tunes it out. Thanks for that. I felt these things ALREADY. I self isolate so that I don’t have to worry about ‘wearing people out’ which is how it was phrased the last time.
I feel myself withdrawing again. Please someone reach out and catch my hand before I do. Someone care enough to be there even when I tell you I don’t want you to be (because that’s not true) “I’m fine, I’m just tired.” is 90% of the time a lie, but I don’t want to burden you so I smile and even though I hate liars and being lied to, I tell that one small one. I need to stop but it’s such an ingrained habit that it’s a reflex now. I hate abandonment more. I need to not be punished because my mental and physical health cause me to miss things I agreed to.
And you have to communicate with me because I’m dense really and I won’t always pick up on subtle clues that you want me, be it as a friend or a lover. Sometimes my own fear of rejection is screaming so loudly that I can’t hear anything else over it until you stop me and point-blank go “Julia, I need/want you and I need to you focus and be here with me.” If I was a shitty superhero, I’d be Oblivious but Anxious Woman! (you don’t want those powers.)
Last night I came home to abandonment. It had already been a rough two days (not rocky, just bumpy) for Allan and I and he went to bed (which is normal) and I went to therapy (which is normal on Tuesday) I had a decent session which I’ll get to in a bit as it’s relevant later. and came home to check ‘our’ guild for Camelot Unchained (which we’re all excited about and going slowly mad as we wait for the beta to approach) where I thought I was well liked and ALSO thought I had explained my reasons for missing some of the casual game nights we had set up (we’re playing small, casual steam games to kill what might be a year before release and a lot of them are really fun).
I checked the guild webpage to find a message from the GM telling that having missed 4 events (two of which were for medical reasons, in my defense) he found me unreliable and thus had removed me from the guild. I answered him, he and I are supposed to talk on TS in a few days when the dust settles but this, this sets off my abandonment issues. That Allan did try to talk to him and got me the ‘right to a fair hearing closer the game’s release’ does help some but I still feel like I stood there alone and took blame for something that isn’t entirely my fault. (the two I missed because I slept through one and the one yesterday where I just FLAT out forgot about it. I take full blame for.) They were a top PVP guild in every game they’ve played and apparently, I’m not ‘committed’ enough… Not even taking into consideration that there are some things that even I have no control over. Sickness, on my end debilitates me and if I’m lucky, I have enough energy to watch tv and not fall asleep. When those days hit, I don’t even eat.
What triggered my being booted was this:
Yesterday I missed the Rocket League game and as we’re divided up into teams, I wasn’t there for my partner and I let him down. I really enjoy Rocket League and honestly just spaced out that the game was happening at all. So with no reminder pop-up on my end, I just kept talking to Allan and playing Warframe. Which I enjoy more than most any other game I’m playing at the moment. (there will be a whole post on that soon, cause Dia does games like a year behind everyone else should so be my youtube/review/twitch channel name.) So that was entirely my bad, but instead of just talking to me, I get a public forum post that more humiliates me than anything else and caused me to list out my whole damn 300 mile long list of medical issues in my own defense, thus further humiliating myself. I reacted before I thought about it and held my temper surprisingly well, consider how the me of 5 years ago would have dealt with it. Go me?
It was honestly dual fault the GM doesn’t know me as anything other than Allan’s so far unreliable girlfriend and I did fail to show a couple of times I should have.
It has however set me into a tail spin and I want to cry when I think about it. Because rejection trauma. Which seems to be my big one. For the curious. Here’s a link on the subject in regards to PTSD. Which due to early childhood sexual and physical abuse, I have and have had my whole life, I will be scared forever. on some level or another, of losing everyone who says they love me or they’ll take care of me or even worse having them either emotionally or physically harm me.
So the removal from the guild pretty much snapped something and now all that stupid fear is pouring out like the sugar dust in a pixie stix (except mine is toxic to me)
People who do not deal with what I deal with on a daily basis have no idea how hard it is for me to sometimes get through a day. They have no real understanding that when I say I can’t sit up, or get out of bed, I really can’t sit up without help and sometimes I cry out in pain when you help me sit up.If I even ask for help at all I’m stubborn and obnoxious and determined to do it myself, damn it. It’s a pride thing and imo if I can MAKE myself do it, then I’ve achieved something. They don’t understand that you rejoice at 43 because you have a fucking shower chair, you know the ones nursing homes use, so you don’t have to have someone else wash you or stand there to catch you if you fall. They don’t understand that for people like me, sleeping 16-20 hours out of a day is a real and scary thing. My roommate has come in my room many times and watched me to make sure I was still breathing.
And YES, by the way, for those who don’t know it. Things will come up sometimes at random that cause me to miss things I’ve agree to do AND it may happen frequently until we get my health 100% (or even 90%) under control. Right now I’m at about 70% which is a huge step from where I was just even in August but I can’t help that sometimes my body betrays my intentions.
That’s just the physical end of things which are actually beginning to improve and I have gone on and on enough about my mental ones that I don’t need to continue.
I just need to say this
I am sliding backwards, the constant need to cry, the feeling like there’s emotional distance between my love and my friends us when really there isn’t. (or if there is, I put it there) I am self sabotaging and I’m doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m holding up my hand and asking for help. Stop me, don’t let me fall back down and undo the progress I’ve made these past months. Please? Anyone? I know some of you are tired and some of you feel like the weight of this falls all on you, I will never be “well” but I will be better. I just can’t do it alone.