OH GOD I ATE COOKIES (aka fuck you progesterone) Also Julia is bored.

So if any of you follow this or read it or something, you know I’ve had issues with a non-stop period for like 6 months.  Finally got to see a really nice, really good OBGYN last week and he looked and went “how have you lived with this for so long”  I laughed and told him that today was a LIGHT day, he made a reference to the elevator doors and blood scene in the shining on a heavy day then and I just sorta confirmed and tried not to squirm too much, cause you know casual convo during an OBGYN visit is a bit awkward.  The video behind the cut is not for the squeamish or anyone who hasn’t seen the Kubrick version of the Shining. Yes, I know, it’s deceptive, with a cute little kid with 70’s bowl cut hair and all, but trust me. Don’t click if blood freaks you out, even fake karo syrup blood or Fruit Punch Kool Aid attacking miniature furniture. (Which is the best use for that flavor of Kool Aid, ick!)

 

Then we did a transvaginal ultrasound (those suck btw, I KNOW they’re actually more accurate for most cases but it’s like having someone with a hard, cold dildo trying to get you off but without knowing what they’re doing and just sorta stabbing around in there. *jab* ow! “I’m sorry, I have to.” *JAB* whimpers and this goes on in repeat until they’re done)

 

There was so much blood and clot/tissue? build up in there that the TransVag ultrasound  couldn’t see through it to find my ovaries.  GOODIE.

He gave me a prescription for progesterone for a week, two pills every 8 hours.  I am actually setting an alarm to remind me of this as one of the 8 hour cycles is ALWAYS when I’m asleep.  THEN he tells me I need to sign a thing so they can biopsy my uterus and cervix and the cervix is swollen and well the uterus full apparently.  I signed the thing, that shit hurts. I’d rather that than undetected cancer though.  They left me to quietly clean up and redress and then plan a follow up for a regular over the tummy, like you see on hospital tv shows, ultrasound to look at the OUTSIDE of my uterus and make sure my ovaries haven’t gone on vacation without me.  I’m hoping the biopsy results come back healthy, I’m fucking terrified if you guys want to know the truth.  I do know, from HORRIBLE OBGYN, whose office I fainted in last time I was there, that my pap was healthy and I’m completely STD free (including HPV) so yay for that.   Something like this happened to my mother when Alyssa was born.  She’d had it going on for months and they kept trying new hormones which didn’t help, she stood there and bled and was miserable, holding my hand the whole time and didn’t say a word.  MY ob noticed though and as soon as he could get her to let go (aka once she’d held her granddaughter) they took her off to see what was wrong.  She wound up having a full hysterectomy, but I cannot remember WHAT was causing it.  They told me it wasn’t a genetic, just random, but still.  I’m a Virgo, I’m GOING to worry.   Also I have this CONSTANT pressure on my pelvic/cervical area, almost a sharp pain, if I didn’t know better I’d call it early labor. I think the stuff in there is mad that I stopped it from getting out, IDK.  If the hormones don’t help, option 2 is a DNC and I’ve heard those REALLY hurt and I bet I can’t get them to knock my candy ass out for it (+10 Julia points if you get the reference)  Oh and while I was being examined, Suzy got to hear other patients complaining about the previous HORRIBLE OBGYN and how bad he is. I need to message Caroline and see if he was the one she warned me to stay away from, I bet so.

So I’m halfway through the progesterone, the bleeding has stopped but I don’t trust that cause it’s stopped for a day or two (once even a week) and it’s causing the WORST POSSIBLE MUNCHIES EVER.  I gave in tonight and had some Vanilla Oreos, apparently fuck my calorie count and fuck the approx 112 lbs of weight loss, I WANT COOKIES AND I WANT THEM RIGHT NOW!!!!! (I’m also yelling at Mysteries at the Museum guy too, so don’t be alarmed, everything is fine GOD DAMN IT, IT’S A MONKEY!) hah I was right.

ANYWAY, I might be a little manic tonight.

I did however, not sit here and eat the entire container and there was a time when I would have.  Honey you don’t get to be 388 pounds by magic, you eat your way there (steriod shots didn’t help either but still)  I’m either 296, 286 or 276 depending on which scale I get on.  I can go with the median, which is also the mean and say 286, but personally, being vain (and the fact that although still a tiny bit tight, I can wear my 22-24 jeans and my 26-28 ones loose enough to stick my hand inside, should I, IDK, choose to masturbate in public or adjust myself, or something) I wanna go with 276. I ate 5 cookies, I probably put back on 3-4lbs rofl. I told Suzy that the rest of the cookies go into WitSec to keep me out of them. (which is off to my right, under the rainbow pillow.  I know where they are but I have to move to get them and I will forget about them or give them to someone.)

(OH COME ON MYSTERIES AT THE MUSEUM, THIS DOESN’T INVOLVE A MUSEUM EVEN WTF GO FIND RARE JEWELS OR SOMETHING)  

I’ve been doing better, so I’m told.  I think I am too, but part of me feels like she’s screaming on the inside waiting to get out.  Trust is so hard for me. SO HARD. Anxiety, he’s an old friend, visits often, and seems to unpack a few more things each time.  I’m not depressed, I’m just meh.  Which is, better than depressed, I’m even happy a lot of the time.  I’ve also remembered that when I’m not hiding inside myself, I am a mean ass bitch who apparently can be scary.  There may be a few people I should one day go apologize to and some I should go visit just to face-punch.

I am bored. I think I mentioned that before. The more of the past I sort through and discard what can no longer hurt me or doesn’t benefit me in any possible way, the more my brain wakes up.  I think Denise (the awesome therapist who sits there and listens to me probably repeat myself half the time and deals with me being anxious and whiny) said she expected this to happen as I became more grounded in the real world and less inside my own head.  Which is true.  I NEED SOMETHING TO DO. That isn’t physical because apparently I faint when I stand up and walk 3 -4 steps. Say it with me kids, Orthostatic Hypotension  (look I made it a link, so you can see what it is, yay) Moving slow helps, having the wheelchair close at hand helps. Eventually it will either clear up or I’ll get one of those odd walker things that has a fold out seat and practice being 80 at 40 something.   I have an idea but I have to raise money for it, so come this Wed, I’m the host of a Younique makeup party on facebook, you don’t even have to come to my house.  Also should you wish to donate to the poor, pitiful Julia fund, I have a paypal thing.  How sad am I that 100.00 in start up is more than I can handle? Ugh. paypalthingie for the generous or morbidly curious. (I think I have 3.00 in there now, go me and even though she’s not bitching about it, I know my medical expenses are making her more anxious and honestly we could use the help. Hell getting my teeth fixed (thanks bill, you dick) is going to be well over 6k and I just cry when I look at the numbers, NO ONE HAS TO DONATE, I just put it out there if anyone might. )  I need an income, even if it’s only a little bit, so I can start saving up to move forward with my life.  Entropy has taken a horrid toll on me physically and mentally.  Things Julia will be doing this week:

  • Seeing Denise and maybe trying to remember what I actually want to talk about instead of rambling. (like I used to draw, and draw well but had that sorta beaten out of me as a child)
  • Seeing Dr. Dimetrova, who’s my shrink and also awesome and has the most zen office ever, you can’t stress in there, it’s lit just right and comfortable.
  • Seeing the OBGYN again (whom I need to call tomorrow and see if they can see me Tuesday or Thursday as Suzy’s schedule has changed and that whole fainting thing makes me wary to drive)
  • Finding a GOOD disability Attorney (hah, though I’m open to recommendations) so I can get the process started now that I have the medical history to back up my claims.
  • Start calling Physical Therapists in my area and on my insurance and find one I mesh with and who can handle a patient with muscle atrophy AND is prone to faint.
  • Play something other than Warframe. I’m not as far ahead as Allan but I’m hooked on it and I know it. (and due to gifts mostly, I have like 200ish games and access to all of his 200ish as well) ONE of them will appeal to me.
  • Dying my hair and putting on makeup so I can take a more recent photo and see if you guys can see the shrinking. I don’t but I see me every day.  I’ll also do this because it’s a major mood improver for me, even if I’m sitting at home all day and only I see me. I should probably do it daily or so.
  • TRY to sort through more of momma’s stuff and reveal more of my floor.
  • Put out a request on freecycle (our local one kinda sucks) for a bathroom shelving system that goes over a toilet as our bathroom has almost NO storage and maybe a washer and dryer, gently used and a dining room set also gently used.
  • Read at least one new book and finish re-reading Nuromancer (one of the few I can re-read happily) He who loves me gave me money for amazon which for me always equals Kindle books (I know, I know Alicia, don’t kill me, they’re just so expensive in paper form anymore, also see storage issues.
  • Try not to stress out about how the hell I’m ever going to get to England, it’s been over a year and I ache to touch him and be held by him again and he’s been here 3 times (almost 4, sorry Allan) it is def. my turn to go to him, but I can’t ACTUALLY flap my bingo wings and fly there so I try to break it down into smaller steps
  • Tell everyone who reads this that you are unique and special and loved by at least me (but probably WAY more people than that cause you’re awesome.

 

 

Oh hey look, I just did that!!  And you are, even those of you who think you’re nothing, who think you’re meaningless and no one would notice if you were gone.  Yes I will, Yes WE will. You are unique and loved.

<3

J

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