I have become, comfortably numb.

sorry PF for borrowing your song bit there.  But that’s pretty much where I am.   I’ve just had a 3 week visit from the man I’m dating.  Chad. Some of you know him, some of you don’t.

It was a surprise visit.  Those who know me well know that I don’t deal with random people just ‘showing up’.  He gave neither myself nor my roommate warning he was coming.  He’s lucky she was nice enough to let him in.  He’s also lucky I didn’t have a panic attack for no good reason. Waking up to see a face you think is miles away and in his own bed grinning at you may be sweet and romantic but it also throws me in to a tailspin because I really never have handled the response I have to that sort of thing.  He is not a rapist or molester or creepy family member but I, when half asleep, tend to respond to that sort of thing with either violence or catatonic panic.  I think if some part of my brain hadn’t been expecting something like this from him, I probably would have been found curled up in a corner somewhere rocking back and forth.  Trauma Victims and surprise don’t always mix well.

Now before we go any further, I left Allan AGAIN, for the same reason. This time I’m not quite so quiet about it.  That’s it’s own post and is coming later.   I turned down a bribe offer, at one point, prior to Chad’s first visit, to turn him away, at my door, and be flown to England in two days.  (seeing as I don’t have a current passport as mine burned in a house fire in the not so fireproof safe my mom had back in the mid 90s, that would have been a neat trick) and that’s when it all started.

Since doing so, I have been under a rather petty and bizarre then escalating to dangerous level of cyber harassment.  I and everyone else who knows him and why I left him know it’s either him or someone he knows.  It started with the hijacking of my avatar on SL while I was asleep, taken to a skeevy free sex sim and a Gyazo shot taken of my avi having sex with one too stupid to take his pants off, IDK? I do know it wasn’t me and the IP tracked to a location about 10 miles of someone who adores him and would do anything he asked.  They took that screen shot and gave it to Chad’s avatar and he lost his shit.  He still, even with my offering proof, believes it really was me.  NOTHING I can say can change that, which says a lot for how much he loves me doesn’t it.  I was horrified, changed my sl password asap and reported it to LL because wtf.  It was an obvious attempt to break us up. It seemed to have failed.  Then came the digital equivalent of sending 50 pizzas to someone with ‘pay with cash’ as the payment option.  I started getting tons of spam from odd sites, most sex based, most wanting me to confirm my subscription to them.  I filtered them all to the trash, when the first bunch of shit from craigslist came in, I did the same “mark as read, move to trash”  I think out of hundreds of the damn things (apparently) I might have read 3?  Someone was creeping me hard and I was mostly ignoring it as to me, it seemed like a cry for attention. I’d also forgotten I had a CList account at all as the last time I used it was in 2010 to buy the van that stranded us in AZ mid cross country move.

Things got better for a bit. Then he decided he hated Second Life and if I was on it at all the accusations started.  Escalating in a night where I refused to come ‘home’ to our lot out of sheer anger at how this had reached a point that I felt like I was a pet, leashed to the yard.  This wasn’t new though as…

Well he’s passive aggressive as fuck and he seems to like to break people emotionally. and I find myself wondering if that’s all this reunion was, a revenge plot with bonus sex.

He is however so obsessed with Allan that I swear he should try dating him.  He’s convinced if we break up, I’ll go running back to Allan for round three.  No. That won’t happen either.  We’re not even friends, which we managed last time, this time he played the victim card hard and I’m not even dealing with that shit.  He also forced me in to a lie. One that cost me friends when I couldn’t take it anymore and came clean.  Honestly, I deserved that. I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it in a moment of self defense, that doesn’t make it okay, it just made Allan shut up.

 

I apologized to Chad and we talked and with out really either asking the other, we were a couple again.  I was relaxed and happy and as we all know, the universe won’t allow that.

You see, since we got back together he’s constantly accused me of cheating on him.  He’s had no proof except the Mapping ability on SL which shows him where I am and how far away from anyone near me I am.  Where, never mattered, just if ANYONE was close enough, in his opinion, to be sexing my pixels, the passive aggressive shit started.
I’m not, by the way. Just in case you wondered. I’m 44 and chronically ill. I spend my not at home time at doctors offices, outside of that, therapy, where I sit and talking for an hour to hour and a half can wear me out, so who has the energy or time for that nonsense?   I am so alone that I can talk telemarketers in to giving up.  I’m rarely in a skype call and for a while, he was the ONLY person I talked to. Then, using a series of excuses, he took that away.

I had however heard multiple times “I wonder if I flew down there and you didn’t know I was coming, if I’d hear you fucking and saying I love you to someone else over skype”   No. He wouldn’t have.  I spend most of my time asleep. He’d find what he found, me, asleep.

I had no real warning he was coming but I know him well enough to not be surprised when random Chad showed up. Part of me expected it.

He’d been here less than 2 days before he was bored with both me and anything on my Amazon Prime, Netflix, Stars or his HBO account, and started going “I wish I’d brought my PC”  He did bring a laptop, I’ve never seen it.  he’s not gotten it out of the bag he brought it in yet.  Ironically, I have two working ones in my room. Granted one is a Sony Vaio bought in 2004 but hey, Harvey the laptop still works.  The other is Lorelei she’s an Asus and more of a business computer than a gaming one, she can run pretty much anything outside of things like ARK which require so much from the system that she just can’t.  I offered several times to set him up a guest account on this machine but not with admin access.  (I don’t give that out) and he declined.  He refused everything offered except my fire, as it can and does run Hearthstone (though so slowly it’s painful) and is a bigger screen than his phone.  I figured a bigger screen would be nice, so I installed it and loaded it and handed it to him.

 

It auto syncs to my skype, my gmail, my dropbox all of it.  I knew this.  If I had anything to hide, would I have handed him the ONE device I never clear the logs on?

 

no.

 

He went through it it all.  You know what they say about don’t go looking to borrow trouble?

yeah.

We found 3 ads, on CL, via the account I forgot I had, inviting people to my house to fuck me.

 

ok.  Lupus = suppressed immune system so strangers = germs and germs = bad.

 

I am never. EVER going to fuck someone I don’t know.  I’m really not going to do it via skeevy ad placed online.

I’ve read through them.

Craigslist is a sad and lonely place.

 

It was also extra scary as we had an active serial killer in the area, 20 min from me, when those ads were live.

I got CL to pull them, and do some serious IP tracing.  I wound up in a 3 way call with CL US and CL UK.  You can fill in the blanks from here.

 

Nope, I have no proof.  Thanks Telecommunications Laws.  No, I’m not the NSA.  I also can’t afford to go live in England for 3-6 months to press charges.  So, he has plausible deniability because I can’t produce jack or shit for privacy law reasons.

 

There’s been another photo, taken also in Aug. (that like week and a half was “attack Julia week” I swear.)   By someone non-Allan connected, who has since TOLD Chad and Jess (I’ll get to that) that no, I had no idea, yes he de rendered my clothes and he was sorry.  But no, even with him going “no, she didn’t know I took this, it pissed her off when she found out and she’s still mad” (I am, I’ve not spoken to him since)  He still thinks I fucked him

 

So he goes to each person and asks them.  “did you do x”

this is like asking child molesters if they molested their kid….

no one is going to confess, wtf.

then hands them “did Dia do x”

this too is just handing them a weapon.

of course in a few cases of non-shitty people, they’ve gone “No, she didn’t.”

but of course the two shifty ones (Allan and a former friend of Chads, who’s TRIED to have sex with every woman Chad knows, I think he wants Chad tbh)

lie.

One says I talk to him at least monthly, sometimes weekly.  No, short of a few posts, I’m purging him from my blog.  He stalks it, enough to link shit from it to Chad.  “Here this must be about you”

ugh and told him I had sex with him the week Chad and I started dating.  No, no I did not.  Not since days (weeks even? I think) before I left him and not since.  I don’t want that.  Thanks.

 

The other is just a shit starter.  He tried bad mouthing Chad.  Then tried to convince me to leave Chad and date him (no, sorry I don’t do drug addicts and “I’m upset” doesn’t mean “I’m leaving him”)   I made an alt I was ‘hiding’ but the first two people she knew, know Chad.  I don’t hide well apparently. *sighs*

the alt was a mistake.  Acting out.  Anger.

because he slept with his ex the week before he came to see me in September and again 4 days after he got home.

Revenge Sex. REAL sex.  In retaliation for digital sex that didn’t happen.

I’m now a liar.

I did nothing but tell him the truth about each man when asked and the closest I came to lying was denying the alt until I couldn’t anymore, which is human nature. And one incident where the alt sat wearing pretty much 7 layers of clothes on a guys face and read a crappy literotica story for 1000L.   Most of the straight guys I know would have done that for 1000L but ok.   He saw it as sex, apparently it’s a fetish (thanks Japan..not)   and two other guys asked for sex, were told no, handed her money anyway and I left.  So no.  I didn’t knowingly or willingly cheat on him.

 

ALSO.  REAL SEX =/= Pixel Sex.  not at all.

 

Said ex and I are friends, she’s sweet. Had he not done what he did, with us both being bisexual, he’d have wound up with both of us.  (that and understanding the couple with submissive dynamic and the fact that for she and I to be comfortable in a 3some with him, irl , a 2some with just she and I needed to happen irl first. He could watch, but we’d have needed to well, learn each other.

 

It maybe still could have happened had more forgiveness and communication taken place.  It didn’t, it hasn’t.  I’m filling in the bare bones of this months later.  All this went down from Sept to Current date and he’s still shutting me out but not leaving me and not wanting me to leave him.

 

either it’s punishment

or he does love me and is confused

or is being a jerk.

and yeah I won’t lie.

I get your throat hurts and you never really got 100% well from the illness you picked up on the plane, however, if you can lose you voice talking on Curse to people in Smite for 2 hours.  You can give me 2 hours a week too.  I should rank higher than random PUGS in a MOBA.  If I don’t why are we doing this?

 

*sighs*   I’m tired. I’ll probably relock this when I wake up.

He’ll probably read it while I sleep.

and not talk to me some more.

 

I don’t cheat.

The time I spent with him

while I was still with Allan, I never saw as cheating.

I knew Allan was screw half my ‘friends’ online and most of our RP sim.

You can’t cheat on someone who isn’t faithful to you.

which kind of applies too.

but still.

It’s not what I do.

it’s been done to me too often to do it someone else.

I know what it feels like and it sucks.

I know I love him

I know I miss him

I know I tell him this damn near daily.

and I know that sometimes I get a response and I get my hopes up

and then boom.

 

and I know I’m exhausted of this, I need closure.  Love me or leave me.

 

nini

D

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