All of me or nothing

Sorry, I’m a package deal.   I come with my quirks and my silly things and my serious days and my anxiety and my fears and my PTSD and the responses it causes.

 

No one gets to say they love me and then try to pick and choose which parts of me they want to keep around.

that’s not how it works.  You love me, all of me, faults and all or you don’t actually love /me/ at all.

I understand this.  Oddly enough.  Of all the things that I have fucked up and twisted in my head (the association of sex with love, the inability to recognize abusive behavior in someone I love until it’s too late and I feel trapped, this could go on and on.) the one thing I DO understand is that.  You can’t change someone you love and still have them be the person you fell in love with.  When you do, they aren’t and then people fall out of love.

I may not like my loved ones bad habits or behavior but I knew when I signed on to love them that these were part of who they are.  I can’t change them, so if I find them something that, in time, I can’t live with, then I am the one who has to make a change.  Either in the way I deal with that aspect of them or perhaps I should move on because my own personal growth either can’t handle it or has moved past what ever the behavior is.

it’s in wedding vows “I take you, for better or worse.”

But those words are meaningless for a lot of people.

I am slowly changing who I am, but it’s a long, arduous process, it hurts sometimes and each layer of protection that kept me alive for years that I pull down, puts me at risk again, or my brain tells me so.  It’s scary as hell. But I am trying.  I’ve already made progress.

 

All of me.

or

None of me.

I don’t come piecemeal and you get to keep your favorite parts.

 

More on involuntary trauma responses here

for the curious about defense mechanisms and trauma survivors.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *